Life in Skyrim as an NPC: Volume 1
by Spartanss300
Summary: A short compilation of stories about NPCs in Skyrim. They sure have it rough! Warning: Language.
1. Bandit

So, here I am just chopping some wood for the fire, while my fellow bandits are out hunting and what not, when up strolls this dude all made up like some kind of necromancer wizard with Orcish gloves and a freaking bone crown on his head. I stand up straight dropping the wood I had just picked up and draw my bow, stopping him short. _That's close enough._ I say, just to drive the point home. So he just stands there staring me down, and I am seriously contemplating adding an arrow in the knee to my warning when all the sudden he raises one hand and hits me with this green shit. I just fall over, can't move, can't talk, can't fucking anything! All I can do is watch as this dickhead in a dress starts stuffing his pockets with all my stuff. And I mean all of it! The Skooma, the wine, the mead, the sack of coin by the chest, and holy shit! By the nine this bastard is picking the lock on our chest! At this point I am struggling hard to move, and finally I can wiggle my toes. The green crap is wearing off. I stumble to my feet and pull my dagger. This guy it going down!

GREEN!

_FUCK!_

I'm on the ground again, and Mr. Wizard over there has the chest open and is riffling around through our crap. I mean I am pissed off now. It takes a long time, and no little amount of risk either, I might add, to rob unsuspecting dumbasses of this much loot, and not get caught, especially in the shadow of a major city like Whiterun.

Finally he stands up, and turns just as my companions are returning from yet another unsuccessful hunt. I am screaming on the inside, _KILL THIS BASTARD!_ He looks to me and shoots me with that green shit yet again, I guess for good measure. Then I am forced to watch as he literally tears my brothers and sisters limb from limb with lighting from his damn hands, and then proceeds to loot their corpses. Why Arkay? Why Kynareth? Why Divines?! It took me five years to put together a band of petty murderous thugs I could almost trust and this asshat in a clown costume kills them all in less time than it takes a normal man to blow a snot rocket out of his runny nose.

I was still paralyzed, and the only movement I could muster were the tears streaming down my cheeks. After he finished looting my people he walks past me, takes the warhammer off our cart and my last sack of gold off the barrel, then walks right by me again and jumps on my horse. With one final look back he says, _Nothin' personal friend._ Then he rides off out of sight.

My pa stole that horse for me.


	2. Store Merchant

It's a slow day again. Feels like nobody ever comes into the store, so when someone does, it's worth noting. And what walked through that door was damn near notable: a slender elf woman, wearing a fir bikini top and gigantic metal helmet with the horns. She's covered in blood, face and all. She doesn't appear to notice as she enters the shop.

_Adventurer._

My father always warned me about those types. "Keep a close eye on anyone with a blade sharper than a butter knife," he said. "They'll pickpocket ya just as soon as they pay ya. Bunch of f'in' thieves." He should know. He used to be one of them, before the accident that gave him the limp.

The woman hasn't moved.

I put on my best smile and try to make some small talk. "Looking to protect yourself?" I jokingly inquire. Hang on. Maybe that's not her blood. Maybe someone else's. Maybe a whole lot of someone else's. A different approach, then: "...or deal some damage?"

She doesn't speak as she steps forward and starts piling weapons, armor, and more onto my counter. Swords taller than she is. Heavy suits of armor of all descriptions. An axe that's on fire. Iron daggers, a sword I'm certain that the Jarl used to own, some books of fiction and fact. The list goes on and on.

A sudden realization: I can sell this for twice, maybe four times the price I offer her. We're talking thousands in profit. There is now a pile of weaponry large enough that it devours my current stash of funds, down to nearly the last coin. She pauses, silently puzzling how to pry that last shiny coin from my purse. The blood-soaked woman takes out an apple, setting it gingerly atop the mound of armor and weapons she had stripped from the bandits and creatures she brutally murdered.

Yep, that'll do it. That's everything I've got. It will take me a little while to move all of this merchandise, but... Hang on again. I look down behind the counter at the notice pinned there. Whiterun. Twenty-three days ago. One apple, stolen from a market stall.

I look back at the apple.

Look down at the apple's description on the notice.

Mother.

Fucker.


	3. College of Winterhold teacher

I had the weirdest dream regarding that psycho "Dragonborn". I awoke in the middle of the night to the silhouette of that brutish man standing over me. Nearly electrocuted him on sight, I was so startled.

I thought he was going to try to... um... _take advantage of me_. But no. He just asked if I knew a thing or two about Destruction. Being the College's gate guard, I'd hope so! Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I explained that yes, I did indeed know quite a lot about Destruction, but I don't give free lessons. He told me that he certainly had the coin, and he proceed to pay over a thousand gold for lessons. He was a quick learner. _Astonishingly quick_. Come to think of it, I think he absorbed a year's worth of knowledge in about 15 seconds.

He thanked me, walked over to a corner of my room and crouched. I thought that he had totally lost it, but surely enough, a moment later he disappeared. The things Drevis teaches those illusionists of his, I tell you. I lay down in bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

And the most terrifying part is that I had this dream about a dozen times last night. Over and over. The same conversation, similar transactions (he paid me a bit more gold during every dream), and the same crouching disappearance technique. I remember it all so vividly that I don't think it could have been a dream, but if it wasn't, where'd the couple... _dozen_... _THOUSAND_ gold pieces that he paid me go?

Maybe I did actually give him those lessons. Maybe he stole the gold. It's not like I have any evidence. But I know one thing. If I _did_ teach him, I won't be responsible for what he does with the knowledge.


	4. Saw Mill Owner

So I'm just doing some work down at the saw mill when out of the corner of my eye I see this guy wearing all jet-black leather hauling ass on his horse towards town. He doesn't slow down when he gets to the gates, just gallops through them, across the bridge, and then (you won't believe this) gallops the damn horse straight up the ramp into the mill.

I'm about to dive for cover, but I'm too stunned to react in time. At the very last second, he reigns the horse in and brings it to a stop about a foot away from me. He dismounts from the horse and with a totally blank look on his face turns to me and says "I'd like to buy some lumber."

I'm more than a little freaked out by the whole thing, but I try to play it casual. "Doing some building, eh? We can deliver them wherever you need." The guys reaches into his money purse and pulls out a fistful of gold, hands it to me, and says "I'll take 20 logs." I let out a little sigh of relief, glad that this is going to be over soon, and I tell him that I'll have them hauled over right away.

Without missing a beat, the guy immediately reaches back into his purse and pulls out more gold. "I'll take 20 logs." Why didn't he say he wanted 40 logs? Did he change his mind? Well, whatever. Money is money, I figure. So I tell him the same thing I said before, "We'll have them hauled over right away."

Guy immediately pulls out yet **another** fistful of gold and repeats himself. What the hell? We do this again and again, him just pulling out wads of cash over and over like he's caught in some kind of endless loop. I keep taking the money, and promising that we'll deliver right away, but he **never** replies, unless it's to pull out another lump of gold and order 20 more logs.

We do this little routine over a dozen times, at least, just him pulling out gold and buying logs 20 at a time. Then he finally stops, and without saying another word he turns, quickly snatches a butterfly out of the air, rips it in half, shoves both wings into his mouth, gets back on his horse, and then rides it straight into the river.

What the hell just happened?


	5. Vilkas

All of Whiterun has been freaking out since that damn dragon took the watchtower, so when this so called "Dragonborn" killed the thing I thought things would go back to normal. Fuck no it didn't.

The same guy who killed the dragon comes strolling into Jorrvaskr the other day wearing nothing but a loincloth. He asks Kodlak if he can join, and acts all cocky and shit, like he assumes he's automatically in. While we're discussing the issue, this crazy son of a bitch is jumping all over our table knocking all our food and shit on the ground. For some reason, Kodlak ignored that and says he'll need to prove his worth by fighting me first.

I am so ready to kick this crazy guys ass, but when we get outside, he is somehow fully clothed and armed. I don't even want to know where he was hiding everything. I have no idea what the fuck just happened, so I make sure he knows that he can't use magic like that when he is fighting me. 30 seconds later, my shield arm feels like its been reduced to a pulp by his incessant hammering on it. I thought we both knew this was a practice fight. I gave the lunatic my sword and told him to go sharpen it, because I still had seniority over his bitch ass.

Fast forward a couple months and the same fucker is now the leader of the companions, and definitely holding a grudge about the whole sword sharpening thing. FML

Also I pretty sure he's banging Aela.


	6. Whiterun Court Wizard

So get this, I'm standing around in my study just killing some time chatting with an associate and listening to all the 'great warriors' in the main hall discussing the ongoing hostilities when _he_ saunters in. Yeah, that guy. I sent him to get a damn stone from a nearby tomb like, months ago. Back then he was wearing little more than some dirty and bloodied leather and carrying a steel sword, but now he's strolling in here with a blade at least as wide and tall as he is, fully decked out in some kind of armour I've never seen in my life.

Further still, he was followed by two women who were wearing what I could only describe as strips of leather that did little to hide their bodies, one of which I recognized from the Companions here in the town, Aela something-or-other. The guy just slaps the stone down on my desk and I'm sitting there trying to remember what the hell I needed it for again. Something to do with the rumours of dragons I suppose, but that was a fool's errand apparently. It's been months since the rumours of a sighting and there's been nothing since. "Whatever", I thought "I should at least humour him for his 'effort'". I gave him some crap piece of armour I had kicking around, and within a few seconds, he stops me and asks me what I sell. I figure he must be wishing to master the Arcane arts, but he then tries to sell me the fucking armour I just gave him.

What a dick.


	7. Thieves' Guild Member

I don't miss home one bit. I'm glad to leave that life behind me. True, Skyrim wine is utter rubbish compared to the fine vintages of Valenwood, but life is basically good with the guild. Especially now that that newcomer has stirred up business. I admit, he has impressive talents - his bow is almost as good as mine.

Yet there's something not quite right about him. None of the guild have ever bothered me while I train, excepting Vipir at times. But as soon as I draw my bow on the target, he just... _appears_. The first time it happened I was confused. He just stood there, right next to the target, utterly quiet. When he saw me pause in drawing my bow, he moved back a step - only to return right next to the target once my arrow was notched again!

My aim is perfect. It's not like I was worried that I'd _hit_ him, or anything. So as time went on, I continued shooting at the target so long as he gave at least some distance. That's when it got really strange. I work for the Thieves Guild, mind. Every day I am surrounded by petty thieves, pickpockets, burglars, the lot. Yet, I ask you, what man steals someone's arrows, day after day after day in plain sight?!

It's not like I'm blind. It became pretty clear that his intent in watching me practice stemmed from a greed for the steel arrows that pierced the wood and straw of the dummy.

I would confront him about it, but everyone else seems to favour him... He must have taken at least 500 arrows by this time, of quality steel and wood, too! I have no idea how to proceed in this situation, and the last thing I want to do is stop practice. For now, I shall endure. But Stendarr help me, if he ever slips just one inch closer to that target, those stolen arrows will soon be mine once more.


End file.
